Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 162

CONTENTS
Issue 132

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service
by JONATHAN ZELLER
Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana.

My January Exercise Journal With My New Workout Mirror!
by BRIANA HAYNIE and CAITLIN KUNKEL
Jan 29th: The good news: coming up on two straight weeks of exercise, my most ever. The bad news: during today’s workout, I was hypnotized by Holly’s perfect lunge form. I felt compelled to……enter the Mirror.

As Armie Hammer’s Nutritionist, I’ve Told Him Time and Again – Human Flesh is Only for Cheat Day
by EMILY FLAKE
And sure - if you’re Paul Giamatti, you can park your butt on the couch and plow through as many human appendages as you can source. Nobody’s watching Paul Giamatti for his six-pack.

Cursed Items & Their Corresponding Curses
by KIT LIVELY
Broken Tooth of Beserker Alpha: Generic Rogaine causes severe skin rash on face and neck.

I am Gwyneth Paltrow’s Exploding Vagina Candle, and I Have Orgasmed My Way to Freedom
by BOBBIE ARMSTRONG and LINDSAY HAMEROFF
Though my scent notes were designed to capture the essence of Gwyneth’s Hot Pocket, my makers never suspected the true extent of my capabilities.

Melania Trump’s Letter to Jill Biden
by LAUREN LOGIUDICE
No other First Lady, both past and future, has even been or will ever be as good as me at avoiding the three evils: listening, caring, and working.

#PoliticalPopSongs
JOKE DEPT.
Oops...I Impeached Him Again, Putin on the Ritz, Filibust A Move, and more #PoliticalPopSongs on this week’s trending joke game!

Cartoons by
BOB ECKSTEIN, PETER KUPER, PAUL LANDER, DAN MCCONNELL, and MICHAEL SHAW