Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 247
What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were
by KEVIN LUTZ
Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way. Average: Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.
Unsolved Mysteries: Who’s that Lady?
by SARAH LAYDEN
This special episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” on Netflix is dedicated to understanding one of the most confounding mysteries in pop music history: Who’s that lady? You know the one. She fills our hearts and minds, brought somewhat to life through song lyrics devoid of significant detail or description.
A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes
by KIT LIVELY
$ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 47 Plenty of pot-brownies for the bake sale, in order to keep the bids really jumping during the quilt auction.
Quiz: Your Cat Or Your Teenager?
by ELIZABETH SIMONE
They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths. They are perfectly content to be alone. But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture.
Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam
by ROBERT CRISS
911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Iron Maiden Deficiency, Motley Croup, Food POISONing, and more #HeavyMetalMaladies on this week's trending joke game!
Patrick Hickey, Sarah Morrissette,