Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 251
Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?
by EMILY KLING
Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v kig id xivjf cxji xv romeo
What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You
by ALLY JOHNSON
Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting.
God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins
by MCKAYLEY GOURLEY, KEVIN BURKE, and MADELINE GOETZ
Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are?
Dear Hogwarts, I Am Absolutely Begging You To Fund the Humanities
by JOHN TERRY
Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually.
Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions
by KIT LIVELY
PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns. Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it's all he eats and it shows (smells)!
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Hot Boxing, Ping Bong, Kentucky Doobie, and more #PotSports on this week's trending joke game!
Steve Daugherty, Paul Lander & Dan McConnell, Jim Shoenbill