Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 347

CONTENTS
Issue 347

Sure, We’re Cutting Funding for Libraries, but Our New 17 Million Dollar NYPD Subway Security Robot Is Gay       
by BOBBIE ARMSTRONG
But whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with Eduardo. If you do, he’ll call you a derogatory slur and then shoot you with a very real gun. We’re still working out some bugs.    

LimmerICKs  
by KIT LIVELY
Here are a few simple facts, Resculpting with ear wax: It requires a gentle touch, And this may be a bit much, But makes delicious snacks. 

Existential Baseball Calls 
by JANINE ANNETT and ALI SOLOMON
Out, but what does that mean? Sun interference, but you still blame yourself, Home run, but it still doesn’t leave you fulfilled. And more!            

Thank You For Slaying The Fire-Breathing Dragon and Breaking the Witch’s Curse Placed on Me, but I’m Just Not Looking for a Relationship Right Now
by PETER CLARK-DEUTSCH
To put it simply: I’ve had a lot of time to think since falling into the clutches of Malvusta. I realized, I don’t want to be tied down. I was literally tied down for an entire year.     

I’m Addicted to Taking MDMA 3-4 Times a Year
by KARA PANZER
Some people take MDMA for spiritual reasons, but I’m not acclaimed New Yorker writer Jia Tolentino. I take MDMA for one of the basest motivations known to humankind: I like having fun.       

#PatrioticPopBands
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Earth, Wind, and Fireworks, Red, White and Blue Chili Peppers, The BunTing-Tings, and more #PatrioticPopBands on this week's trending joke game!

Cartoons by
Catherine Martha Holmes, Thomas Wykes, Jason Bentsman & Matt Saks, Bob Eckstein.