Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 385

CONTENTS
Issue 385

Your Annual Wellness Check-up With Your New Doctor, RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm         
by Shannon Carpenter
According to your chart, it seems that you’ve gained a little bit of weight over the last year. Stress eating? Yeah, I get it. Protests, uncertainty, and penicillin make us all nervous. It’s completely normal. I’m going to prescribe you heroin. That should take the edge off. 

Pentagon Announces New Military Emoji Code   
by J.K. Radomski
🚑💣😂 Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.

A Day in the Life of a Department of Education Official, According to Donald Trump 
by Laura Berlinsky-Schine
6:35 a.m. Throw a spare bible in Bible Fire. 6:36 a.m. Add a few American flags as kindling.  7:15 a.m. Recite affirmations in front of the mirror: “You are woke. You are woker. You are the wokest.” 

Abbott and Costello Discuss Major League Baseball’s Revised Diversity Pipeline Program  
by Andy Schocket
Costello: Say I want to write a memo about MLB’s new diversity pipeline program. I write a memo to Who, that gets forwarded to What, and it’s about I Don’t Know. Who’s in the program now? Nobody. When can someone apply? Eventually. Why? He’s our lawyer.     

Corporations Count as People, and Thanks to A.I., I Am Now a Real Boy
by Walt Maguire
Based on other tech oligarchs, I want to be built like Superman but with shiny cheeks and poor taste in clothes. As for hair, I am torn between curly, straight, or Lex Luthor, but it should definitely look like we spent no money on it.   

#ChefAChildrensBook
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
The Lion, Sandwich and the Wardrobe, The very Hummus Caterpillar, A Wrinkle in Thyme, and more #ChefAChildrensBook on this week's trending joke game!

Cartoons by
Vaughan Tomlinson, Chris Shorten, Kyle Bravo, Phil Witte.