Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 389

CONTENTS
Issue 389

How to Add Gen X Flair to Your Boring Hormone Therapy Replacement Patches         
by Stacey Curran
Sketch the original MTV logo on it, Stick a Holly Hobby Colorform to it, Iron-on a patch of Bon Jovi’s face, And more! 

LinkedIn Says You’re 87% Qualified to Be the Next Pope. Here’s How to Glow Up Your Profile.
by J.K. Radomski
Include a portfolio slide deck with a catchy name like “Miracles I’ve Performed & The KPIs That Made Them Happen”. 

She Cut Me Off! A Eulogy Written by My Old Nose, After My Nose Job. 
by Amelia Cardone
As I lay on the cold, unforgiving surface of a surgeon’s dish, I reminisce on my life. Twenty two years. Twenty two YEARS I gave to that ungrateful hussy. I gave her smell, I gave her beauty, I gave her three sinus infections a year- give give give! That’s all I ever did for her. I gave. And what does she give me in gratitude to my services? She gives me the KNIFE! Cuts me off, like some toe wart. 

The Pro’s And Cons Of Getting High When The Economy Is Low  
by Kit Lively
Meth:  Pro-  No more teeth means no more high priced solid foods!   Don’t worry, generic cheese whiz and baby food are much easier to steal when making your weekly decongestant run.      

Today’s News
by Jason Bentsman
TRUMP, Death, Destruction, Kitten Memes, TRUMP

#PainfulPastries
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
S’ores, Boston Scream Pie, Apple Stye, and more #PainfulPastries on this week's trending joke game!

Cartoons by
Bob Eckstein, Kyle Bravo, Alan Rozanski, Joseph Dottino.