Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 331
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CONTENTS
Issue 331
Caesar Ignores the Signs
by EVAN ALLGOOD
CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition—your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that’s a nice confidence-booster.
Jack Skellington Opens The St. Patrick’s Day Town Door
by JULIEN PEREZ
There's Guinness everywhere / What's this? / There's corned beef in the air. / What's this? / I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming / Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair / What's this?
Forget St. Patrick, Get Drunk for Brigid
by EMILY FLAKE
I get it. You like to drink. Patrick is your fun guy, the divorced* dad who lets you do anything you please at weekends. And you think because I am a consecrated virgin, I’m no fun? I turned water into beer, you half-wits!
Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird
by VIKTORIA SHULEVICH
Anyway, it’s good luck. I think. Do people say that? Did I hear that somewhere? I could use a bit of luck. But what do I need luck for? Is it something specific? Does this bird know something I don’t know?? Oh God, it’s also in my hair!
Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table
by KIT LIVELY
Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.
Rockstars’ Flirtations*
by JASON BENTSMAN
You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play me. –Neil Diamond
I’m Your Middle-Grade School’s Substitute Librarian Today. Call Me Reacher.
by BART KING
You, don’t tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven’t been trained to execute that maneuver without injury—and right on cue, we’ve got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it’s just blood, so stop howling. You don’t need stitches. There’s some Superglue right here.
#KittyCocktails
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Whisker Sour, Bloody Meowy, Meowgarita, and more #KittyCocktails on this week's trending joke game!
Cartoons by
Zack Rhodes, Tyson Cole, Bob Eckstein.
Issue 331
Caesar Ignores the Signs
by EVAN ALLGOOD
CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition—your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that’s a nice confidence-booster.
Jack Skellington Opens The St. Patrick’s Day Town Door
by JULIEN PEREZ
There's Guinness everywhere / What's this? / There's corned beef in the air. / What's this? / I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming / Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair / What's this?
Forget St. Patrick, Get Drunk for Brigid
by EMILY FLAKE
I get it. You like to drink. Patrick is your fun guy, the divorced* dad who lets you do anything you please at weekends. And you think because I am a consecrated virgin, I’m no fun? I turned water into beer, you half-wits!
Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird
by VIKTORIA SHULEVICH
Anyway, it’s good luck. I think. Do people say that? Did I hear that somewhere? I could use a bit of luck. But what do I need luck for? Is it something specific? Does this bird know something I don’t know?? Oh God, it’s also in my hair!
Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table
by KIT LIVELY
Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.
Rockstars’ Flirtations*
by JASON BENTSMAN
You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play me. –Neil Diamond
I’m Your Middle-Grade School’s Substitute Librarian Today. Call Me Reacher.
by BART KING
You, don’t tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven’t been trained to execute that maneuver without injury—and right on cue, we’ve got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it’s just blood, so stop howling. You don’t need stitches. There’s some Superglue right here.
#KittyCocktails
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Whisker Sour, Bloody Meowy, Meowgarita, and more #KittyCocktails on this week's trending joke game!
Cartoons by
Zack Rhodes, Tyson Cole, Bob Eckstein.