Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 379

CONTENTS
Issue 379

"Department of Government Efficiency” Job Application        
by Andy Schocket
Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”: __ Denying food to starving children __ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them __ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments And more!  

An Open Letter to the Lady in the Park Offering “Free Tantalizing Foot Massage”   
by Angus Duffin
Even if getting my calluses greased up was my thing, I can’t fathom having such a hankering that I’d accept a free massage from a stranger in a cold, muddy, windswept park, surrounded by the far-from-tantalizing sounds of screaming kids.

As Your Platonic BFF, I Think You Should Get Back Out There!
by Hunter Gardner
I’m honest because I’m your BFF, your platonic ride-or-die, and I think you deserve someone who really understands you. The kind of guy who has been in love with you since college and has an inside joke with your mom. Hypothetically. 

20 Or So Questions With Cupid 
by Kit Lively
CUPID: Okay , this is where the confusion comes in… The love IS the gift, get it?  What you do with that gift is up to you.  No refunds. WH: It’s true, I’ve never gotten a bad case of chlamydia from a gift in my Christmas stocking.    

The Valentine’s Day Movie Marathon For Perennial Singles
by Gregory Walters
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Minutes The Last and the Spurious The Princess Cried Legally Blocked, And More!

#BullyABallad
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Pesterday, Baby Got Backhanded, Keep On Shoving You, and more #BullyABallad on this week's trending joke game!

Cartoons by
Michael Shaw, Peter Kuper, Bob Eckstein, Kit Lively and David DeGrand.