Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 367

CONTENTS
Issue 367

Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy        
by Josh Lorenzo
Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence. Thanks, Democracy  

Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations   
by J.K. Radomski
Realized "senior staff" wasn't referring to high school seniors. And more! 

Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel
by Kit Lively
A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St.   Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.

I’m the Silica Gel Packet in Your Beef Jerky Bag and Actually, Please Eat Me
by Ryan David
Sorry that I can’t be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM.  

Education SmackDown: Linda McMahon Nominated for Education Secretary
by J.K. Radomski
All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage. School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes. And more!

#PissedOffPastries
by WEEKLY HUMORIST HASHTAG GAMES
Chocolate Frownies, Cross-ants, Grumpkin Pie, and more #PissedOffPastries on this week's trending joke game!

Cartoons by
Drew Panckeri, Mira Scharf, Lindsey Budde, Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.